Monday, January 11, 2010


Coping: there's an interesting concept. I haven't coped well in the past, as evidenced by my multiple trips to rehab. So there's some serious shit going on now in my life and I can't (or choose not to) fall back on the old coping mechanisms, but I don't have a lot of substitutes in my bag of tricks right now.
I joined the local YMCA and had my first workout there this morning which was perfect timing because I "discovered" that my husband is yet again back to drinking. Actually it was kind of weird...last night I rolled over while sleeping and heard him pop open a can of beer. I know it was a beer because we don't drink canned soda. So I figured I had the right to tear apart the computer room today and found a small lunch-box sized cooler with empty Miller Lite cans in it. I had it sitting on the coffee table for a while this morning, but I couldn't stand looking at it so I put it back in the closet in which I found it. I hope I put it back incorrectly in a way that he will recognize, just to see if he has the balls to say anything to me. The way I found it sucked, I know that. To me, the fact that I had to go looking for it in the first place sucks even more.
I don't know what to do. We love each other, but love is not enough. He wonders why I don't tell him things about the bills and why I hide things and it's because I don't trust him. (I just figured that out this morning by the way.)
I'm still struggling with this depression and these situations don't help. I've had ECT in the past and I'm thinking about calling my shrink to see if he would prescribe another round. He'll tell me it's situational and I agree, but I've got to be able to lift my head off of the god-damn pillow in the morning and because of these "situations" I can't do that some days. I don't even really know if I need ECT. It's an option that's worked in the past and I'm running out of ideas here. Sometimes I wish it would just all go away....

1 comment:

  1. Wow, im reading this and its like uve been in my head. I never thought someone else went through similar shit. I suffer wit depression too, along wit some other stuff. But copeing, wow great topic. Ur writtings hav brought me some comfort, dont take that the wrong way im not finding joy in ur happiness or anything. Its hard to explain. Lifes hard, but its worth the trouble. Stay strong.