One of the two high school teachers I learned the most about life from was Gary Wolfman, my orchestra conductor. Every spring the final concert featured senior symphony musicians, choir singers, and composers at the chapel of Lawrence University. With stars in my eyes I auditioned with a cello concerto, not just any cello concerto, but the Dvorak cello concerto. You have to understand that my stand partner was an amazing talent and is now a professional cellist, but at that time, in my opinion, he lacked the passion for the music that I exuded. Of course he auditioned and won a spot and played a beautiful (if someone stiff) version of the Saint-Saens cello concerto number 2. I did not get a soloist spot and I was crushed. I cried when the list of soloists was posted and it was lacking my name. The next day, Mr. Wolfman said to me, "I've been thinking about your response and I think this is a realization for you that you're not as good as you think you are." WHAM! I admit that I had not experienced a lot of rejection in my life up to that point, but the lesson I learned is that life isn't fair, and sometimes we're all not as good as we think we are, and that’s ok. No matter how much spirit I felt, how much I believed in myself, how much passion I exuded, sometimes life smacks you in the forehead. It was delivered to me by someone I very much respected and wanted to make proud, and by eventually accepting my lesson with grace, I think I did.
The senior concert came and went and during the Saint-Saens, I sat first chair of the cello section, the highest rung I would musically reach. There are still times, though, when I put in my earbuds and the Dvorak cello concerto comes up on my playlist. Every time, it immediately brings me back to the Lawrence University Chapel on that May day in 1989, only this time, I’m the soloist. After my chair and music stand are arranged on stage, I walk in from stage right, weaving my way through the first and second violin sections, in a gorgeous full-skirted gown. I sit down, settle my cello in, tighten my bow, adjust my music stand, and when I look to the conductor’s podium to indicate that I’m ready to go, standing there is Gary Wolfman.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Been away for awhile
I've been less diligent about blogging recently. That's mostly due to our 10 days in Hawaii from 03-17 to 03-26. It truly was paradise. After being home for a couple of weeks now, what I miss the most is listening to people speak the native Hawaiian language. For 10 days everything was "Aloha" and "Mahalo" and when I say it now it sounds so foreign. When Peanut takes his medication every day I say, "Mahalo" to thank him and just so I can hear the word.
Of course the snow that fell overnight isn't helping me re-adjust to being at home either. Only one day was the weather pretty lousy in Hawaii, it was very windy with a high temperature of 68 degrees on our first day on the big island of Hawaii. They say there's always rain somewhere on the islands due to the volcanoes and when we traveled up into the higher elevations touring the volcanoes we found the rain.
The fascinating thing about Hawaii for me is that it is so different from the rest of the U.S. At one point there was a ruling monarchy located in Hawaii which is not something any other U.S. state can claim. Of course the original colonies were under the rule of King George of England, but his court wasn't located in the U.S. Hawaiian history is unlike so much U.S. history, I find that very interesting. I recently finished reading a book I bought while on vacation titled Hawaiian Journey which gives a general overview of the Hawaiian way of life before and after colonization and statehood. I recommend it to anyone interested in a general overview of Hawaiian rule and history.
Maui was my favorite of the three islands we visited because it truly is paradise (to me), but one of the biggest highlights of our trip occurred on the second day we were there when our tour group went to Pearl Harbor. There is construction happening on-site to update the Visitor's Center and other parts of the park, but taking the ferry to the USS Arizona and spending time on her remains is a somber and thought provoking experience. My great-uncle Carl Krause was in Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 and survived. There is a 30 minute movie watched before touring the park and heading out to the Arizona, part of which discusses what it was like for the rest of the island on December 7th. I had never thought about that before. Pearl Harbor is technically located in Pearl City, which now bumps right up against Honolulu. It's not like the attacks happened in a remote location or on a fleet of ships that were out at sea; there were civilians surrounding the naval base and those people too were effected by and victims of the attacks on that Sunday morning. It was a good reminder that war takes place in the context of real people, and that perspective is sometimes lost when bombs are dropped from thousands of feet up in the air and there is no ground contact with the affected populations.
So there's snow on the ground in Wisconsin on April 8th, but I'm sure the sun is shining on the island of paradise.
Enjoy.
Of course the snow that fell overnight isn't helping me re-adjust to being at home either. Only one day was the weather pretty lousy in Hawaii, it was very windy with a high temperature of 68 degrees on our first day on the big island of Hawaii. They say there's always rain somewhere on the islands due to the volcanoes and when we traveled up into the higher elevations touring the volcanoes we found the rain.
The fascinating thing about Hawaii for me is that it is so different from the rest of the U.S. At one point there was a ruling monarchy located in Hawaii which is not something any other U.S. state can claim. Of course the original colonies were under the rule of King George of England, but his court wasn't located in the U.S. Hawaiian history is unlike so much U.S. history, I find that very interesting. I recently finished reading a book I bought while on vacation titled Hawaiian Journey which gives a general overview of the Hawaiian way of life before and after colonization and statehood. I recommend it to anyone interested in a general overview of Hawaiian rule and history.
Maui was my favorite of the three islands we visited because it truly is paradise (to me), but one of the biggest highlights of our trip occurred on the second day we were there when our tour group went to Pearl Harbor. There is construction happening on-site to update the Visitor's Center and other parts of the park, but taking the ferry to the USS Arizona and spending time on her remains is a somber and thought provoking experience. My great-uncle Carl Krause was in Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941 and survived. There is a 30 minute movie watched before touring the park and heading out to the Arizona, part of which discusses what it was like for the rest of the island on December 7th. I had never thought about that before. Pearl Harbor is technically located in Pearl City, which now bumps right up against Honolulu. It's not like the attacks happened in a remote location or on a fleet of ships that were out at sea; there were civilians surrounding the naval base and those people too were effected by and victims of the attacks on that Sunday morning. It was a good reminder that war takes place in the context of real people, and that perspective is sometimes lost when bombs are dropped from thousands of feet up in the air and there is no ground contact with the affected populations.
So there's snow on the ground in Wisconsin on April 8th, but I'm sure the sun is shining on the island of paradise.
Enjoy.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Eric in the Dark
I wrote this poem in 1993 about one of my best friends, Eric J. It was actually published that year in a local literary magazine. Enjoy.
Such a lonely sight
was the boy who sat on the street corner
smoking a cigarette.
Half hidden in street light shadow,
his doubled over denim frame looked almost frail
sitting there alone.
He thought and
took a long drag off his cigarette.
Exhaling the smoke,
raising his eyebrows and
tossing that thought away.
Only one long drag remained on the smoke and
he took it...
then shot the butt across the street.
The little rocket landing, then sputtering out,
invisible in the darkness.
Such a lonely sight
was the boy who sat on the street corner
smoking a cigarette.
Half hidden in street light shadow,
his doubled over denim frame looked almost frail
sitting there alone.
He thought and
took a long drag off his cigarette.
Exhaling the smoke,
raising his eyebrows and
tossing that thought away.
Only one long drag remained on the smoke and
he took it...
then shot the butt across the street.
The little rocket landing, then sputtering out,
invisible in the darkness.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Digital music
So I spent some time on iTunes this weekend and downloaded some tracks from my youth: The Who, Led Zepplin, Bob Dylan, and even one by Blind Faith. This is not necessarily music of "my generation" since I still think I was born 25 years too late. I wanted desperately to be a hippie and apparently so did most of my high school friends because we exclusively listened to music from the '60s and early '70s.
There seems to be something un-genuine though about listening to "Baba O'Reilly" on an iPod. It's just not how that music should be heard. For me, it should be listened to on a cassette player in a friend's car, or maybe on a boom-box in Memorial Park. Good grief do they even make boom-boxes anymore? Music has become so personal with MP3s and ear-buds, we can each walk around to our own individual soundtracks, but when I was a kid, music was a community experience.
When my parents and the neighbors would get together on Saturday afternoons for beer and burgers on the grill, someone would open up their patio doors and blare whatever music my parents and their friends would listen to from an archiac turn-table and speakers that were taller than I was. Usually it was The Beach Boys or a radio station that specialized in "the oldies." This was when vinyl was king as the 8-track had finally died so there was always the background sizzle and pop of the record accompanying the actual music.
All of that is missing in digital music. It's crystal clear but somehow more impersonal. Even listening to music on the radio comes with the occasional area where reception is lousy and the station gets fuzzy for a second or two. I miss liner notes and real album cover art. The teeny tiny album cover on my iPod just doesn't satisfy. My thumbnail is bigger than the picture of the album for Pete's sake - a lot bigger.
So this is what we're left with: clear, tiny replications of our memories. Maybe with my tax return I'll go out and buy a turn-table...if I can find any place that still sell them.
Enjoy.
There seems to be something un-genuine though about listening to "Baba O'Reilly" on an iPod. It's just not how that music should be heard. For me, it should be listened to on a cassette player in a friend's car, or maybe on a boom-box in Memorial Park. Good grief do they even make boom-boxes anymore? Music has become so personal with MP3s and ear-buds, we can each walk around to our own individual soundtracks, but when I was a kid, music was a community experience.
When my parents and the neighbors would get together on Saturday afternoons for beer and burgers on the grill, someone would open up their patio doors and blare whatever music my parents and their friends would listen to from an archiac turn-table and speakers that were taller than I was. Usually it was The Beach Boys or a radio station that specialized in "the oldies." This was when vinyl was king as the 8-track had finally died so there was always the background sizzle and pop of the record accompanying the actual music.
All of that is missing in digital music. It's crystal clear but somehow more impersonal. Even listening to music on the radio comes with the occasional area where reception is lousy and the station gets fuzzy for a second or two. I miss liner notes and real album cover art. The teeny tiny album cover on my iPod just doesn't satisfy. My thumbnail is bigger than the picture of the album for Pete's sake - a lot bigger.
So this is what we're left with: clear, tiny replications of our memories. Maybe with my tax return I'll go out and buy a turn-table...if I can find any place that still sell them.
Enjoy.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Boredom: the good, the bad, and the ugly
For the first time in a LONG time I can honestly say I'm bored. This is a good state for me because the depression can sink me so low, it's almost impossible to see the surface. Could this even be "happiness?"
That I can't really answer. Well, I know I can so I should. I always picture happiness as this state of bliss where everything goes my way. That never happens in real life so I think that's why I struggle with actually admitting to myself that I am happy. I picture butterflies and smiley faces dancing around me when I picture being happy. But what prevents me from saying I'm happy right now?
It's such an ambiguous word. What is happiness to me may be completely different than how Bill Gates would describe happiness. We talk a lot about the concept of happiness in class because when people are sad and depressed and come in to see a therapist, one of their goals is generally to feel happy. So how does one get there? What is quantifiable?
I'm working out which is supposed to help with mood regulation and it does. Since I've abused so many drugs in my day, I always thought of myself as endorphin deficient: I was born with an unnaturally low level of endorphins and that's why drugs are so appealing to me. Well that's a load of crap on many levels, but since I've joined my local YMCA and actually started working out, I have felt those naturally produced endorphins and they feel really good, I have to tell ya. Even if I skip a weight lifting session, I am committed to my swim class twice a week and I feel great right afterwards and even the day after - like today. I was always under the impression that it would feel like the instant high I got after using, but that's not the case at all; it's much longer lasting and not as intense of course, but in the long run it still feels good and is MUCH healthier for me.
The status of relationships often contributes to the level of happiness one is experiencing. Although there are always issues in my marriage (and in any marriage I suspect) overall my husband and I seem to be in a really good place right now. The two most common things couples fight about is money and children. Since we don't have children together, that leaves money which is something that stresses us both out a lot. Since I'm on unemployment right now, things are tight, but since we've recovered from Christmas expenses, that hasn't been an issue for a few weeks now.
Going to school makes me feel good about myself and gets me out of the house to see people at least three times a week. That's important because isolation is a hallmark of depression and this semester started a couple of weeks ago so I've been getting out and meeting people for a bit of time. School also makes me feel competent because it's something I'm good at and interested in. So there's something that increases my self esteem: doing something I like, can succeed in, and have interactions with others who seem to find me friendly and interesting.
So it is boredom? Do I need constant crisis in my life in order to feel anything, or is it just happiness in all it's plain-Jane glory? I'm going with happiness today.
Enjoy.
That I can't really answer. Well, I know I can so I should. I always picture happiness as this state of bliss where everything goes my way. That never happens in real life so I think that's why I struggle with actually admitting to myself that I am happy. I picture butterflies and smiley faces dancing around me when I picture being happy. But what prevents me from saying I'm happy right now?
It's such an ambiguous word. What is happiness to me may be completely different than how Bill Gates would describe happiness. We talk a lot about the concept of happiness in class because when people are sad and depressed and come in to see a therapist, one of their goals is generally to feel happy. So how does one get there? What is quantifiable?
I'm working out which is supposed to help with mood regulation and it does. Since I've abused so many drugs in my day, I always thought of myself as endorphin deficient: I was born with an unnaturally low level of endorphins and that's why drugs are so appealing to me. Well that's a load of crap on many levels, but since I've joined my local YMCA and actually started working out, I have felt those naturally produced endorphins and they feel really good, I have to tell ya. Even if I skip a weight lifting session, I am committed to my swim class twice a week and I feel great right afterwards and even the day after - like today. I was always under the impression that it would feel like the instant high I got after using, but that's not the case at all; it's much longer lasting and not as intense of course, but in the long run it still feels good and is MUCH healthier for me.
The status of relationships often contributes to the level of happiness one is experiencing. Although there are always issues in my marriage (and in any marriage I suspect) overall my husband and I seem to be in a really good place right now. The two most common things couples fight about is money and children. Since we don't have children together, that leaves money which is something that stresses us both out a lot. Since I'm on unemployment right now, things are tight, but since we've recovered from Christmas expenses, that hasn't been an issue for a few weeks now.
Going to school makes me feel good about myself and gets me out of the house to see people at least three times a week. That's important because isolation is a hallmark of depression and this semester started a couple of weeks ago so I've been getting out and meeting people for a bit of time. School also makes me feel competent because it's something I'm good at and interested in. So there's something that increases my self esteem: doing something I like, can succeed in, and have interactions with others who seem to find me friendly and interesting.
So it is boredom? Do I need constant crisis in my life in order to feel anything, or is it just happiness in all it's plain-Jane glory? I'm going with happiness today.
Enjoy.
Monday, February 1, 2010
The Weekend That Was: Lawrence Trivia 2010
Refryed Pink Gus. Here's a little history on our team name for this year's Lawrence Trivia Weekend contest.
In 1988 our team name was Gus the Autistic Wonder Dog. I wasn't part of planning our team in 1988, but we had a lawn ornament with pipe-cleaner horns, painted white, as our mascot. I was invited late to this weekend and thought I was "just dropping by" with Jeanette. We wanted to bring a snack so we stopped at a gas station and bought a 5lb. bag of popcorn. "Tube o'popcorn" it has lovingly come to be known as. This is the Trivia Weekend I have blogged about previously in my posts about falling in love with my first boyfriend, Chuck. This is where we met.
In 1989 our team was called Fryed Pink Clams. This is partially because our friend, with the last name of Frye, hosted the affair again in her basement (it's great having friends with verbs as last names.) The "pink clam" portion of the name came from the title of one of the porn movies some of the guys brought over. Apparently there is a porn flick with the title "The Pink Clam." Eww, but a great Trivia name. So we became the Fryed Pink Clams.
My friends from high school and I seem to be celebrating our 20th class reunion all year, because we made a hybrid of those two names for this year's team. Hence, you end up with Refryed Pink Gus: 20th Anniversary Edition.
Hays, Jeff, and I spent a good portion of last week trying out different technologies so we could be in touch with each other over time and distance during the contest. We tried Skype, Google Group Chat, and me beam. In the end the Google Group Chat worked the best because there wasn't a lot of lag between posts, however we couldn't see each other. Skype only lets you have video with one person at a time, and me beam had horrible echos and feedback. Although we did use me beam during "on campus questions only" just to check in with each other and verify the physical meltdown that I seemed to be going through: Friday night I didn't sleep. I finally fell asleep at 4am Saturday morning and I had to be ready for class at 9am. I was up at 8am, so I got 3 or 4 hours of sleep Friday night. Needless to say, there was no shower happening before class, so I threw on pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. One of my friends drove up from Milwaukee to play at our house, and she was at my house by the time I got home from class. So there was no time to shower then. Two other girl friends showed up so there was a houseful of four women and Mark all clacking away at computers, looking for answers, calling in answers, chatting with friends in New York, Minneapolis, and Milwaukee via Group Chat. When we all checked in on me beam during the on campus only questions, I looked the worse for wear by far than anyone else.
I loved the video check ins. I got to see my two friends from high school who started dating junior year and have been together ever since. They married and now have two young sons. We got to see the boys too which was great because they look like hybrids of their parents; I mean, technically all kids are, but with these two, it's almost freaky. Especially since I've known the parents since almost the age their oldest son is now which is even freakier.
I didn't play much on Sunday as I was sort of "trivia-ed out." I have a lot of homework this week and I wanted to get started on it. This is graduate school after all, not high school.
Although for those 12 or so hours when I was on line answering questions and looking up answers, laughing with friends, eating junk-food and highly caffeinated beverages, I kind of felt like a kid again, which makes all the sacrifice worth it in the end.
Enjoy.
In 1988 our team name was Gus the Autistic Wonder Dog. I wasn't part of planning our team in 1988, but we had a lawn ornament with pipe-cleaner horns, painted white, as our mascot. I was invited late to this weekend and thought I was "just dropping by" with Jeanette. We wanted to bring a snack so we stopped at a gas station and bought a 5lb. bag of popcorn. "Tube o'popcorn" it has lovingly come to be known as. This is the Trivia Weekend I have blogged about previously in my posts about falling in love with my first boyfriend, Chuck. This is where we met.
In 1989 our team was called Fryed Pink Clams. This is partially because our friend, with the last name of Frye, hosted the affair again in her basement (it's great having friends with verbs as last names.) The "pink clam" portion of the name came from the title of one of the porn movies some of the guys brought over. Apparently there is a porn flick with the title "The Pink Clam." Eww, but a great Trivia name. So we became the Fryed Pink Clams.
My friends from high school and I seem to be celebrating our 20th class reunion all year, because we made a hybrid of those two names for this year's team. Hence, you end up with Refryed Pink Gus: 20th Anniversary Edition.
Hays, Jeff, and I spent a good portion of last week trying out different technologies so we could be in touch with each other over time and distance during the contest. We tried Skype, Google Group Chat, and me beam. In the end the Google Group Chat worked the best because there wasn't a lot of lag between posts, however we couldn't see each other. Skype only lets you have video with one person at a time, and me beam had horrible echos and feedback. Although we did use me beam during "on campus questions only" just to check in with each other and verify the physical meltdown that I seemed to be going through: Friday night I didn't sleep. I finally fell asleep at 4am Saturday morning and I had to be ready for class at 9am. I was up at 8am, so I got 3 or 4 hours of sleep Friday night. Needless to say, there was no shower happening before class, so I threw on pajama pants and a long sleeved t-shirt. One of my friends drove up from Milwaukee to play at our house, and she was at my house by the time I got home from class. So there was no time to shower then. Two other girl friends showed up so there was a houseful of four women and Mark all clacking away at computers, looking for answers, calling in answers, chatting with friends in New York, Minneapolis, and Milwaukee via Group Chat. When we all checked in on me beam during the on campus only questions, I looked the worse for wear by far than anyone else.
I loved the video check ins. I got to see my two friends from high school who started dating junior year and have been together ever since. They married and now have two young sons. We got to see the boys too which was great because they look like hybrids of their parents; I mean, technically all kids are, but with these two, it's almost freaky. Especially since I've known the parents since almost the age their oldest son is now which is even freakier.
I didn't play much on Sunday as I was sort of "trivia-ed out." I have a lot of homework this week and I wanted to get started on it. This is graduate school after all, not high school.
Although for those 12 or so hours when I was on line answering questions and looking up answers, laughing with friends, eating junk-food and highly caffeinated beverages, I kind of felt like a kid again, which makes all the sacrifice worth it in the end.
Enjoy.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Crying in class?
One of the classes I'm taking this semester is Counseling for Groups. It's weird because not only is this a class, but it also works as a task group. On Wednesday was our first class and all the chairs were in a circle, as if we were in a big meeting room at a community counseling agency of some kind.
There are stages to all groups: initial, transitional, working, and final. After the instructor introduced himself there was a pause and one of my fellow students jumped in with one hell of an introduction. Due to confidentiality I won't disclose any of the details here, but it was WAY more than name, rank, and serial number. I've gotten used to these types of introductions in my classes: my name, how many classes I've taken so far in the program, what track I'm on (community, higher education or school counseling) and what I hope to get out of this class. This woman went beyond that and actually shared information on who she was and what was going on in her life that day.
A couple of other students shared the superficial stuff (the name, rank and serial number type of information)then I decided to speak. I thought I would share about how it was 7 years and 1 week since I had abused drugs and once I said that, the waterworks started. I didn't plan on nor want to cry and I told them that as I wiped away tears with the sleeve of my shirt. Then I went into working for Dr. Dick and the harassment we suffered at the hands of the pro-lifers in Milwaukee (the 24/7 US Marshall protection, people picketing in front of our house on Thanksgiving Day, those sorts of things) and I started crying harder. I explained our relationship as employer/employee, lovers, and dealer/addict. Then I said something that I thought I had long put to rest: that in my head I know our relationship was destructive and twisted, but in my heart I still believe him to be my soulmate. Good grief, this was a class remember. I was practically sobbing by this point. The young woman sitting to my left who I know pretty well from some other classes was rubbing my back to comfort me. My shirt sleeves were soaked.
I was very afraid of being judged, partially due to admitting I worked at an abortion clinic, partially for blubbering like an idiot in a classroom. We did some fear-relieving exercises and I felt a lot better after I admitted my fears and what they were.
The instructor seemed to be pleased that some of us shared to the extent that we did. He thought we were moving out of the initial stage and into the transitional stage already and seemed impressed that as a group of 18 students we could do that during class one.
I've had a few days to "process" what happened and I still feel a twinge of embarrassment, but you know what? I got what I needed. If this wasn't going to be a traditional classroom setting, why not get the shit on the table and not dance around it? Everyone in that room, in the world, has "issues" that need to be worked on. I just happen to lay mine out for everyone to see. That's why I've been so candid in this blog too. If there's something on my mind and you ask what it is, I WILL TELL YOU! I wish honesty was always rewarded the way it is in this classroom and in the therapeutic counseling process in general. How many times a day does someone ask casually, "How ya doin'?" And we smile sheepishly and respond, "Pretty good," or "Not bad." When we really need to cry until our shirt sleeves are soaked?
There are stages to all groups: initial, transitional, working, and final. After the instructor introduced himself there was a pause and one of my fellow students jumped in with one hell of an introduction. Due to confidentiality I won't disclose any of the details here, but it was WAY more than name, rank, and serial number. I've gotten used to these types of introductions in my classes: my name, how many classes I've taken so far in the program, what track I'm on (community, higher education or school counseling) and what I hope to get out of this class. This woman went beyond that and actually shared information on who she was and what was going on in her life that day.
A couple of other students shared the superficial stuff (the name, rank and serial number type of information)then I decided to speak. I thought I would share about how it was 7 years and 1 week since I had abused drugs and once I said that, the waterworks started. I didn't plan on nor want to cry and I told them that as I wiped away tears with the sleeve of my shirt. Then I went into working for Dr. Dick and the harassment we suffered at the hands of the pro-lifers in Milwaukee (the 24/7 US Marshall protection, people picketing in front of our house on Thanksgiving Day, those sorts of things) and I started crying harder. I explained our relationship as employer/employee, lovers, and dealer/addict. Then I said something that I thought I had long put to rest: that in my head I know our relationship was destructive and twisted, but in my heart I still believe him to be my soulmate. Good grief, this was a class remember. I was practically sobbing by this point. The young woman sitting to my left who I know pretty well from some other classes was rubbing my back to comfort me. My shirt sleeves were soaked.
I was very afraid of being judged, partially due to admitting I worked at an abortion clinic, partially for blubbering like an idiot in a classroom. We did some fear-relieving exercises and I felt a lot better after I admitted my fears and what they were.
The instructor seemed to be pleased that some of us shared to the extent that we did. He thought we were moving out of the initial stage and into the transitional stage already and seemed impressed that as a group of 18 students we could do that during class one.
I've had a few days to "process" what happened and I still feel a twinge of embarrassment, but you know what? I got what I needed. If this wasn't going to be a traditional classroom setting, why not get the shit on the table and not dance around it? Everyone in that room, in the world, has "issues" that need to be worked on. I just happen to lay mine out for everyone to see. That's why I've been so candid in this blog too. If there's something on my mind and you ask what it is, I WILL TELL YOU! I wish honesty was always rewarded the way it is in this classroom and in the therapeutic counseling process in general. How many times a day does someone ask casually, "How ya doin'?" And we smile sheepishly and respond, "Pretty good," or "Not bad." When we really need to cry until our shirt sleeves are soaked?
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Prescription drug costs
I used to work for a prescription drug company as an inside sales representative. I've always known that most prescriptions in the US are way over-priced. The manufacturers claim it's for research and development but any fool knows the majority of drug companies spend their money on marketing drugs to people via TV commercials and print ads in magazines.
So I've known all of this for a long time and it never bothered me because I've always had an insurance plan with a tiered co-pay system where the most I paid for anything was $40 per month. I could live with that.
My husband's company had gone with an HSA insurance plan this year and the prescription drug coverage SUCKS. I just got off the internet checking the prices of two of my regular prescriptions and here's the damage: Three month supply of Effexor XR 150mg capsules, one capsule twice a day: $401.77 through their prescription mail service. It won't even price it out at a retail pharmacy. Here's another one: Three months of Abilify 5mg tablets, one tablet once a day: $1,071.24. One month at a retail pharmacy totals $444.47.
Insurance companies don't seem to understand that it would be much cheaper for them to offer these drugs used to treat depression at a reasonable cost versus patients (let's take me for instance) to not be on them and then need inpatient treatment because without the meds, chances are sooner or later I'd go out of my mind. But the pharmaceutical portion of my insurance plan is not linked to the medical portion of my insurance plan so the left hand doesn't care what the right hand is offering. If I worked for UnitedHealth I would make damn sure that the prescription coverage would help save money on the medical side of the plan. Because I do very well when I'm regularly taking my meds; I haven't been in the hospital for depression in well over 3 years which is pretty good for the population I belong to.
I investigated the prescription assistance plan for these two medications and for the Effexor I need to make 200% less than the national poverty level and for the Abilify program my household income cannot exceed roughly $36,000 annually. Oh, and for either program I can't have any prescription drug coverage. At this point, for all intents and purposes, I do not have prescription drug coverage because it's too expensive to use. What good is it doing me? None.
There are samples of something similar to Effexor and samples for Abilify, but I'm sure I'm not the only patient in my shrink's practice that is struggling to pay for prescriptions. They can't supply me with both meds month after month. Especially since the drug companies acted so unethically in the past with free-bees to MDs who heavily prescribed their drugs, that the AMA (American Medical Association) has greatly restricted what drug reps should be allowed to do in MD offices and many MD offices won't allow drug reps in the door any more, so there aren't a lot of samples out there and the demand for that limited supply is great.
I have an appointment with my shrink on February 1st and I'm going to have to switch to drugs that are generic. I don't know if they will work as well as what I'm currently on, but I can tell you this for sure: my insurance company doesn't really give a damn.
So I've known all of this for a long time and it never bothered me because I've always had an insurance plan with a tiered co-pay system where the most I paid for anything was $40 per month. I could live with that.
My husband's company had gone with an HSA insurance plan this year and the prescription drug coverage SUCKS. I just got off the internet checking the prices of two of my regular prescriptions and here's the damage: Three month supply of Effexor XR 150mg capsules, one capsule twice a day: $401.77 through their prescription mail service. It won't even price it out at a retail pharmacy. Here's another one: Three months of Abilify 5mg tablets, one tablet once a day: $1,071.24. One month at a retail pharmacy totals $444.47.
Insurance companies don't seem to understand that it would be much cheaper for them to offer these drugs used to treat depression at a reasonable cost versus patients (let's take me for instance) to not be on them and then need inpatient treatment because without the meds, chances are sooner or later I'd go out of my mind. But the pharmaceutical portion of my insurance plan is not linked to the medical portion of my insurance plan so the left hand doesn't care what the right hand is offering. If I worked for UnitedHealth I would make damn sure that the prescription coverage would help save money on the medical side of the plan. Because I do very well when I'm regularly taking my meds; I haven't been in the hospital for depression in well over 3 years which is pretty good for the population I belong to.
I investigated the prescription assistance plan for these two medications and for the Effexor I need to make 200% less than the national poverty level and for the Abilify program my household income cannot exceed roughly $36,000 annually. Oh, and for either program I can't have any prescription drug coverage. At this point, for all intents and purposes, I do not have prescription drug coverage because it's too expensive to use. What good is it doing me? None.
There are samples of something similar to Effexor and samples for Abilify, but I'm sure I'm not the only patient in my shrink's practice that is struggling to pay for prescriptions. They can't supply me with both meds month after month. Especially since the drug companies acted so unethically in the past with free-bees to MDs who heavily prescribed their drugs, that the AMA (American Medical Association) has greatly restricted what drug reps should be allowed to do in MD offices and many MD offices won't allow drug reps in the door any more, so there aren't a lot of samples out there and the demand for that limited supply is great.
I have an appointment with my shrink on February 1st and I'm going to have to switch to drugs that are generic. I don't know if they will work as well as what I'm currently on, but I can tell you this for sure: my insurance company doesn't really give a damn.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Using Dreams
If anyone else out there is recovering from some addictive behavior, then you're probably already very familiar with using dreams. I hate them. When I first got clean in January 2003 and went into treatment, I had a using dream every night for 114 nights. I know this because I journaled about each and every one of them, filling in every piece of detail I could recall. In other words, I was driving myself crazy.
On the morning after night 115 when I didn't dream about using I thought, "that's it! It's over! I have to have a bank of only so many using dreams and my magic number was 114, so the bank is empty and now I'm safe." Then came night 120 and I was back at it: using again in my dreams.
Some of these dreams are SO powerful I have woken up and torn my apartment a part looking for a stash somewhere. Most often I was using in my own house, so there had to be a little "something" I'd hidden somewhere and had forgotten about in a glorious drug-induced haze. Of course there never was any hidden stash. I didn't use like that: I used whatever I had right NOW and would figure out how to get more later: after I was usually dope sick and out of my mind.
So I had a using dream last night. I was at a really big version of Summerfest in Milwaukee and met up with a couple of women my age who were hanging out and having fun with a bunch of resident doctors (the whole medical/doctor dreams are for another day, but that is a constant theme in my unconscious mind too.) Thankfully, none of these residents were the infamous Dr. Dick (not his real name, but fitting, which is a story for another day too.) So I had to give myself infusions of saline due to kidney failure and was getting my needles and IV lines from these residents. Then I saw these two women walk away by themselves and I asked one of the nurses where they were going and she answered, "To use stuff they shouldn't be using." Well those are magic words to any drug addict so I went up to them and one of them gave me a container like you would keep coffee, tea, or sugar in and I looked inside. Inside, of course, was beautiful, untouched, powdery heroin. I slammed the lid on the jar and flew (literally flew, up in the sky) away from them. I checked my pockets and had an IV set on me...then I woke up. I didn't use. I DIDN'T USE.
Sometimes my brain protects me from myself and this is one of those times. I woke up tweaky enough this morning; if I had actually used in my dream, I would likely be out of my mind right now running potential using options through my head until I calmed myself down. Now I'm a little jumpy, but I'm not obsessing about using or how to score. I'm doing something productive with that energy - writing my blog. After I'm done here I'll read my daily affirmations and probably put away the dishes and do other inane household duties that need to be done and I won't give it a second thought. That's the beauty of the brain protecting me and getting some clean time under my belt. The using thoughts flicker through every now and again, but then regular life seeps its way into my thoughts and my life and I go on. I go on for one more day clean.
Enjoy.
On the morning after night 115 when I didn't dream about using I thought, "that's it! It's over! I have to have a bank of only so many using dreams and my magic number was 114, so the bank is empty and now I'm safe." Then came night 120 and I was back at it: using again in my dreams.
Some of these dreams are SO powerful I have woken up and torn my apartment a part looking for a stash somewhere. Most often I was using in my own house, so there had to be a little "something" I'd hidden somewhere and had forgotten about in a glorious drug-induced haze. Of course there never was any hidden stash. I didn't use like that: I used whatever I had right NOW and would figure out how to get more later: after I was usually dope sick and out of my mind.
So I had a using dream last night. I was at a really big version of Summerfest in Milwaukee and met up with a couple of women my age who were hanging out and having fun with a bunch of resident doctors (the whole medical/doctor dreams are for another day, but that is a constant theme in my unconscious mind too.) Thankfully, none of these residents were the infamous Dr. Dick (not his real name, but fitting, which is a story for another day too.) So I had to give myself infusions of saline due to kidney failure and was getting my needles and IV lines from these residents. Then I saw these two women walk away by themselves and I asked one of the nurses where they were going and she answered, "To use stuff they shouldn't be using." Well those are magic words to any drug addict so I went up to them and one of them gave me a container like you would keep coffee, tea, or sugar in and I looked inside. Inside, of course, was beautiful, untouched, powdery heroin. I slammed the lid on the jar and flew (literally flew, up in the sky) away from them. I checked my pockets and had an IV set on me...then I woke up. I didn't use. I DIDN'T USE.
Sometimes my brain protects me from myself and this is one of those times. I woke up tweaky enough this morning; if I had actually used in my dream, I would likely be out of my mind right now running potential using options through my head until I calmed myself down. Now I'm a little jumpy, but I'm not obsessing about using or how to score. I'm doing something productive with that energy - writing my blog. After I'm done here I'll read my daily affirmations and probably put away the dishes and do other inane household duties that need to be done and I won't give it a second thought. That's the beauty of the brain protecting me and getting some clean time under my belt. The using thoughts flicker through every now and again, but then regular life seeps its way into my thoughts and my life and I go on. I go on for one more day clean.
Enjoy.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Dreaming
About twice a year I get blessed with a dream about my first boyfriend, Chuck Hart. Luckily last night was one of them.
Chuck died the Friday before Thanksgiving 1991 in Lake Mendota in Madison, WI. He had had a few beers at an off-campus party, walked to Memorial Union, saw a small rowboat docked there, climbed in and the boat sank after he rowed out into the lake a bit. He was found in late February 1992.
We began dating on January 28, 1988, meeting in a friend's basement over Lawrence University's Trivia Weekend. I had never met anyone like him before: he was sensitive, funny, smart, political, cultured and yet he played high school football passionately. He was voted most improved player for our high school football team our junior year. He had been to Paris and London and read the classics, including The Odyssey.
I was impressed, I was awe-struck, I thought I had found my soul mate.
Teen-age love is a funny thing. The feelings are SO intense, yet no teen-ager on Earth is equipped to deal with them. I loved him without restriction or question or reason. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to hear his every thought, feel his every feeling. I longed for his touch when we were apart. Our relationship was firey and challenging. When we argued we yelled and threw things (not at each other, but just out of an intense anger.) We gave (lost?) our virginity to each other on April 23, 1988 after a friend's "Cheesey '70s" party. I'm always a little sad for people who say their first sexual experience was a disaster, because mine was sacred. There was no big orgasm on my part, but I didn't care. We were so in love, and now we had expressed it in the most intimate possible way.
Like all out of control fires, it was eventually extinguished. Our senior year started and he was back spending the majority of his time with the football team and he didn't think he had time for a relationship as needy as ours was becoming. I was devastated, but in youth is resilience and I got over it, moved on, slept with other high school boyfriends.
My one regret is that our relationship as friends ended with such animosity. We both went to UW-Madison and we went to a literary society meeting together once. I called him and asked him to go. It was the most uncomfortable hour of my life; why he agreed to go with me, I have no idea. After the meeting, we stumbled through a "good-bye" and that was the last time we saw each other alive.
I say "alive" because since his death, I've been privileged enough to have wonderful, reconcilatory dreams about him when we meet again. When he was first missing in that fall and winter of 1991/1992 I had them monthly. One ended with us swinging on a grade school playground. One ended with him walking down a long hallway away from me when he stopped, turned toward me and said, "It's ok with us." Last night's dream was about him and I going camping (which in real life would have been a disaster as I am not an outdoorsie girl.) But we were both 17 again, packing up his Chevette (the Chuck-Wagon he called it) and heading for God knows where. The last thing I remember about the dream was him putting duffel bags into the hatchback of the car and turning to me with a brilliant smile that so defined him.
I'm crying as I'm typing all of this, not because I miss that type of love or relationship, but I miss Chuck. I miss my friend.
Chuck died the Friday before Thanksgiving 1991 in Lake Mendota in Madison, WI. He had had a few beers at an off-campus party, walked to Memorial Union, saw a small rowboat docked there, climbed in and the boat sank after he rowed out into the lake a bit. He was found in late February 1992.
We began dating on January 28, 1988, meeting in a friend's basement over Lawrence University's Trivia Weekend. I had never met anyone like him before: he was sensitive, funny, smart, political, cultured and yet he played high school football passionately. He was voted most improved player for our high school football team our junior year. He had been to Paris and London and read the classics, including The Odyssey.
I was impressed, I was awe-struck, I thought I had found my soul mate.
Teen-age love is a funny thing. The feelings are SO intense, yet no teen-ager on Earth is equipped to deal with them. I loved him without restriction or question or reason. I wanted to be with him all the time. I wanted to hear his every thought, feel his every feeling. I longed for his touch when we were apart. Our relationship was firey and challenging. When we argued we yelled and threw things (not at each other, but just out of an intense anger.) We gave (lost?) our virginity to each other on April 23, 1988 after a friend's "Cheesey '70s" party. I'm always a little sad for people who say their first sexual experience was a disaster, because mine was sacred. There was no big orgasm on my part, but I didn't care. We were so in love, and now we had expressed it in the most intimate possible way.
Like all out of control fires, it was eventually extinguished. Our senior year started and he was back spending the majority of his time with the football team and he didn't think he had time for a relationship as needy as ours was becoming. I was devastated, but in youth is resilience and I got over it, moved on, slept with other high school boyfriends.
My one regret is that our relationship as friends ended with such animosity. We both went to UW-Madison and we went to a literary society meeting together once. I called him and asked him to go. It was the most uncomfortable hour of my life; why he agreed to go with me, I have no idea. After the meeting, we stumbled through a "good-bye" and that was the last time we saw each other alive.
I say "alive" because since his death, I've been privileged enough to have wonderful, reconcilatory dreams about him when we meet again. When he was first missing in that fall and winter of 1991/1992 I had them monthly. One ended with us swinging on a grade school playground. One ended with him walking down a long hallway away from me when he stopped, turned toward me and said, "It's ok with us." Last night's dream was about him and I going camping (which in real life would have been a disaster as I am not an outdoorsie girl.) But we were both 17 again, packing up his Chevette (the Chuck-Wagon he called it) and heading for God knows where. The last thing I remember about the dream was him putting duffel bags into the hatchback of the car and turning to me with a brilliant smile that so defined him.
I'm crying as I'm typing all of this, not because I miss that type of love or relationship, but I miss Chuck. I miss my friend.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Coping
Coping: there's an interesting concept. I haven't coped well in the past, as evidenced by my multiple trips to rehab. So there's some serious shit going on now in my life and I can't (or choose not to) fall back on the old coping mechanisms, but I don't have a lot of substitutes in my bag of tricks right now.
I joined the local YMCA and had my first workout there this morning which was perfect timing because I "discovered" that my husband is yet again back to drinking. Actually it was kind of weird...last night I rolled over while sleeping and heard him pop open a can of beer. I know it was a beer because we don't drink canned soda. So I figured I had the right to tear apart the computer room today and found a small lunch-box sized cooler with empty Miller Lite cans in it. I had it sitting on the coffee table for a while this morning, but I couldn't stand looking at it so I put it back in the closet in which I found it. I hope I put it back incorrectly in a way that he will recognize, just to see if he has the balls to say anything to me. The way I found it sucked, I know that. To me, the fact that I had to go looking for it in the first place sucks even more.
I don't know what to do. We love each other, but love is not enough. He wonders why I don't tell him things about the bills and why I hide things and it's because I don't trust him. (I just figured that out this morning by the way.)
I'm still struggling with this depression and these situations don't help. I've had ECT in the past and I'm thinking about calling my shrink to see if he would prescribe another round. He'll tell me it's situational and I agree, but I've got to be able to lift my head off of the god-damn pillow in the morning and because of these "situations" I can't do that some days. I don't even really know if I need ECT. It's an option that's worked in the past and I'm running out of ideas here. Sometimes I wish it would just all go away....
I joined the local YMCA and had my first workout there this morning which was perfect timing because I "discovered" that my husband is yet again back to drinking. Actually it was kind of weird...last night I rolled over while sleeping and heard him pop open a can of beer. I know it was a beer because we don't drink canned soda. So I figured I had the right to tear apart the computer room today and found a small lunch-box sized cooler with empty Miller Lite cans in it. I had it sitting on the coffee table for a while this morning, but I couldn't stand looking at it so I put it back in the closet in which I found it. I hope I put it back incorrectly in a way that he will recognize, just to see if he has the balls to say anything to me. The way I found it sucked, I know that. To me, the fact that I had to go looking for it in the first place sucks even more.
I don't know what to do. We love each other, but love is not enough. He wonders why I don't tell him things about the bills and why I hide things and it's because I don't trust him. (I just figured that out this morning by the way.)
I'm still struggling with this depression and these situations don't help. I've had ECT in the past and I'm thinking about calling my shrink to see if he would prescribe another round. He'll tell me it's situational and I agree, but I've got to be able to lift my head off of the god-damn pillow in the morning and because of these "situations" I can't do that some days. I don't even really know if I need ECT. It's an option that's worked in the past and I'm running out of ideas here. Sometimes I wish it would just all go away....
Friday, January 8, 2010
Cold
God I hate having a cold, although I have to say, it's a lot better having a cold without having to go into an office for work. I don't have to make a daily decision about calling in sick, exhausting energy by just getting dressed and being at work, and wonder how many other people I'm spreading my germs to. I'm not nearly as exhausted with this cold though, exactly because I've been able to rest during the day and can lay around in sweats. I can nap if I need to or just take a break: none of which happen when one is employed.
Although there are benefits to not working while sick, overall I'm starting to get a bit bored with being at home full time. Both of my classes are on line so it's not like I have to leave the house for class twice a week. If I chose not to, I'd never have to leave the house really: I can tie Peanut up outside for him to do his doggy business and that's as far as I go some days. Mark always has done most of the grocery shopping so I'm not going to waste away in my hovel. It seemed that there was so much more to do before Christmas: I would go gift shopping, or even on line shop and wrap presents. That's all over and money is pretty tight right now.
I keep thinking that within 2 weeks we'll be flush again, but life happens within those two weeks and bam, we're no better off than we were two weeks prior. It's not that I don't know how to save, it's that my dog is on expensive prescription dog food and he needs to eat. The cat needs litter. We need toilet paper. It's a never ending cycle of expenses. I entered the Oprah Magazine and Ellen's TV show daily give-a-ways in December hoping beyond hope for a miracle and that my email would be chosen for a myriad of gifts from Best Buy. What else is there to do?
Of course I'm looking for work and have an interview next week, but it's not a job I really want. It's in customer service, blah blah blah I HATE WORKING IN CUSTOMER SERVICE. It's a job, I know, but I feel that a little piece of me dies every time I walked into a job I didn't like and was quite frankly, over qualified for. My shrink told me I was under-employed at my last job and I totally agree with him. I've been under-employed with every job I've had since college except for one while I lived in Milwaukee. What else is there to do? School graduation can't come soon enough.
I hope none of you are sick and that you all find your work fulfilling because if you do, you're lucky.
Enjoy.
Although there are benefits to not working while sick, overall I'm starting to get a bit bored with being at home full time. Both of my classes are on line so it's not like I have to leave the house for class twice a week. If I chose not to, I'd never have to leave the house really: I can tie Peanut up outside for him to do his doggy business and that's as far as I go some days. Mark always has done most of the grocery shopping so I'm not going to waste away in my hovel. It seemed that there was so much more to do before Christmas: I would go gift shopping, or even on line shop and wrap presents. That's all over and money is pretty tight right now.
I keep thinking that within 2 weeks we'll be flush again, but life happens within those two weeks and bam, we're no better off than we were two weeks prior. It's not that I don't know how to save, it's that my dog is on expensive prescription dog food and he needs to eat. The cat needs litter. We need toilet paper. It's a never ending cycle of expenses. I entered the Oprah Magazine and Ellen's TV show daily give-a-ways in December hoping beyond hope for a miracle and that my email would be chosen for a myriad of gifts from Best Buy. What else is there to do?
Of course I'm looking for work and have an interview next week, but it's not a job I really want. It's in customer service, blah blah blah I HATE WORKING IN CUSTOMER SERVICE. It's a job, I know, but I feel that a little piece of me dies every time I walked into a job I didn't like and was quite frankly, over qualified for. My shrink told me I was under-employed at my last job and I totally agree with him. I've been under-employed with every job I've had since college except for one while I lived in Milwaukee. What else is there to do? School graduation can't come soon enough.
I hope none of you are sick and that you all find your work fulfilling because if you do, you're lucky.
Enjoy.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Reading
I'm almost half way through a book titled Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict by Irene Vilar and it's one of the weirdest books I've ever read. This isn't an assignment for school or anything, I just happened to see it at Barnes & Noble recently and given my past employment at an abortion clinic, I was interested in what an "abortion addict" looked like.
The MD from the clinic said his practice was a "private OBGYN practice that also offered abortion services," which technically it was, but his description was really a form of denial. 97% of his patients came in for abortions. We did later term procedures too: up to 22 weeks which was the maximum the state of Wisconsin allowed at the time.
We had very few repeat patients. I remember one woman who had come in a total of seven times for abortions by the time the office closed and when we did the ultrasounds she was always farther along than was indicated by the first date of her last menstrual period (which is the most common way to determine length of pregnancy until an ultrasound confirms the age of the fetus) so her procedures were generally more complicated than the a simple D&C (dilation and curettage which is the medical procedure we call "abortion" up to 14 weeks.) One woman I knew who was not a patient at the office at the time was roughly 36 years old and had had a total of ten abortions. It's tough to come in to work every day and go through the harassment we all went through by protesters in front of the office and try to remain non-judgemental of women who sought multiple procedures. At least it was hard for me to remain neutral about it. But the law of the land is abortion on demand and I agree with it in large part.
According to the inside flap of this book, by the end of it, Irene is going to have 15 abortions, all fathered by the same man. 15 seems like a big number to me. Although I have to give her credit for having the courage to talk about that, much less write a book about it for the whole world to read.
I'm on page 109 of 222 and it's a story of her addiction to this man, not to abortions. Addiction to a sick relationship I can understand, but addiction to abortion is somewhat of a misnomer. It's about the control this man several decades older than she wields over her, not some sick need for her to get pregnant and go in for multiple surgical procedures. There's not a lot of dialog and that bothers me because I like plot more so than character development; this isn't really even character development but the re-telling of the story of control and submission in their relationship.
I'm not endorsing or criticizing the book and I'm trying not to endorse or criticize her choices either.
Enjoy.
The MD from the clinic said his practice was a "private OBGYN practice that also offered abortion services," which technically it was, but his description was really a form of denial. 97% of his patients came in for abortions. We did later term procedures too: up to 22 weeks which was the maximum the state of Wisconsin allowed at the time.
We had very few repeat patients. I remember one woman who had come in a total of seven times for abortions by the time the office closed and when we did the ultrasounds she was always farther along than was indicated by the first date of her last menstrual period (which is the most common way to determine length of pregnancy until an ultrasound confirms the age of the fetus) so her procedures were generally more complicated than the a simple D&C (dilation and curettage which is the medical procedure we call "abortion" up to 14 weeks.) One woman I knew who was not a patient at the office at the time was roughly 36 years old and had had a total of ten abortions. It's tough to come in to work every day and go through the harassment we all went through by protesters in front of the office and try to remain non-judgemental of women who sought multiple procedures. At least it was hard for me to remain neutral about it. But the law of the land is abortion on demand and I agree with it in large part.
According to the inside flap of this book, by the end of it, Irene is going to have 15 abortions, all fathered by the same man. 15 seems like a big number to me. Although I have to give her credit for having the courage to talk about that, much less write a book about it for the whole world to read.
I'm on page 109 of 222 and it's a story of her addiction to this man, not to abortions. Addiction to a sick relationship I can understand, but addiction to abortion is somewhat of a misnomer. It's about the control this man several decades older than she wields over her, not some sick need for her to get pregnant and go in for multiple surgical procedures. There's not a lot of dialog and that bothers me because I like plot more so than character development; this isn't really even character development but the re-telling of the story of control and submission in their relationship.
I'm not endorsing or criticizing the book and I'm trying not to endorse or criticize her choices either.
Enjoy.
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