Friday, November 6, 2009

November 6

On one hand anxiety makes me feel like I'm on fire; I can feel every hair sticking straight up and my body temperature goes through the roof. But it's so paralyzing at the same time; I just want to run into a deep, deep hole and stay there, hoping the world will just fall away before I feel that I'm forced into making one more decision. This is the existential angst that the great philosophers and therapists have talked about: one of the "life themes" that cause psychic dissonance is freedom and that's what this situation is about. I have the freedom to take responsibility and be an adult and write out my bills and call to explain why they are late, but I also have the freedom to crawl into bed for the entire weekend and do nothing about them. Not that I have a ton of bills to write out, but when I write out the check to my current employer for my insurance premiums, it's just one more reminder that I'm not well enough to be working there full time yet, that there are rumors that grow by the minute as to why I haven't been back yet and when I will be, rumors about what my job will be when I go back...things that are really no one's business except mine and the HR rep's. So why is it all so interesting to people that will not be affected by however this plays out? There a BIG difference between the need to know a piece of information to complete a job and the want to know a piece of information, just for the sake of feeling "in the loop." I feel really uncomfortable going to the grocery store near the office because I'm afraid I'm going to run into someone who will report back to HR that I was out of the house when I should be barricaded in, suffering with my "disability" that is keeping me out of work. I know that that is not logical or valid thinking, but after getting my hand slapped for being on Facebook in the first weeks of my short term disability, my impression is that their expectation is for me to be at home quietly rocking in a corner. And anyone that knows even a minimal amount about treating depression and anxiety has to know that social interaction is a good, therapeutic tool and that going to the grocery store is healthy because it means I'm facing my fears and working to get through them. But there in lies the rub: how much is known about depression and anxiety in the common Human Resource professional? This is a medical disease, not a moral disease and the judging is making my symptoms worse. Not to mention decreasing any happy memories I may have had from this employer. And that's the sad thing, because I have many happy memories from there and have enjoyed working with a lot of the staff. I thought this was the second best job I'd ever had, after working for St. Mary's in Milwaukee - that was the best job I've ever had. But who know how this will all end. I'm going to write out the bill and send an email as to why it's late. Needless to say some things have been on my mind lately - my dog's health for one thing. And I can explain some of that but there's no need to go into details. See, I do have more control over some of this than I originally let myself belief.

And the weekend is coming, the weather is supposed to be warmer and I'll get to spend some quality time with my husband.


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