Despite
that this post will look like a “bucket list” or potential list of New Year’s
resolutions, it’s really not. I’ve recently been thinking about some things I’d
like to do/see/experience; some things I’ve already done/seen/ experienced but
would like to do so again. Some experiences are novel for me, or my husband
Mark, or for both of us. There isn’t a timetable attached to any of these
activities, except for those items I have designated with a timeline. This is
after all my list of stuff, which gives me the right to break my own rules.
In
2022 (see, here I go attaching a timeline and breaking my own rule) I want the
pain issues in my lumbar and cervical spine resolved. In 2017 I suddenly
experienced consistent stabbing pain in my lower back. In 2021 I re-experienced
that lower back pain and the same level of pain in my neck (cervical spine.) An
MRI from August 2021, indicates mild to moderate canal narrowing at C5-C6 (neck
vertebrae number 5 and 6) due to disc bulge; severe narrowing of the left
neural foramen (Google it) at C5-C6 level due to disc bulge and
uncovertebral/facet joint arthrosis (Google it.)
My
lumbar spine (lower back) MRI from 2017 findings were confirmed and worsened in
the MRI I had of this area in August 2021. 1) Moderate to severe spinal cannel
narrowing at L3-L4 level due to disc bulge, ligamentum flavum thickening
(Google it) and posterior epidural lipomatosis (Google it.) The residual AP
diameter of the spinal canal is 6mm (genetically way narrower than the average
spinal canal.) The thecal sac is compressed, and the cauda equina nerve roots
are crowded. 2) Moderate spinal canal narrowing at L4-L5 level with residual AP
diameter of 7mm. 3) Mild to moderate narrowing of both neural foramina at L4-L5
(Google it.)
Currently
I’m in physical therapy to increase “my pelvic motion.” Trust me, I don’t like
the way it sounds anymore than you do, especially since I have to do the
exercises twice a day that cause increased pain right now, which I’m told “is a
good response” from my physical therapist. On 12/30/21 I had six trigger point
injections, which so far, aren’t causing any additional pain or lack of motion.
I
want to go to Scotland. I briefly spent time there in 1988, which for me is a
lifetime ago. I must consider the weather of my vacation destination. I want at
least five days off from work for this trip and I’m not sure if I want to spend
it in chronic drizzling rain. Other locations under consideration include San
Francisco (I’ve never been), Red Woods & Sequoia National Parks (I’ve never
been), Zion & Bryce National Parks in southwestern Utah (I’ve never been), Paris,
France (I’ve been several times), New York City (I’ve been half a dozen times,
but my husband Mark has never been), and Boston (where I lived for several
years but Mark has never been.) Part of me wants to see the expression on
Mark’s face when we take a cab from La Guardia to the Village or the Upper West
Side, where we’d likely stay in NYC. When we drive to Milwaukee, he drives
until we reach Germantown, where we pull over and I drive the rest of the way
to our urban destination. My mind’s eye can see his jaw drop at the hustle, energy,
and hyper-speed motion of “The City”. Although just about every New Yorker
would argue the clear differences between NYC and Boston, my hunch is his reaction
would be the same. Reminder: He grew up in Park Falls, WI, which had one stop
light intersection during his childhood and adolescence. I’ve driven in
Manhattan when I was in college in Boston. The gold and black Wisconsin license
plate earned me no respect on that trip, which was the same when I drove to the
Stop-N-Shop in Quincy, MA for weekly grocery shopping. Of course, any
international travel is at the mercy of the Omnicron variant of COVID-19. We
have both had the initial two vaccinations and the booster, but until more
people understand the necessity and benefit of vaccination, we may be stuck in
the continental 48.
I
absolutely must get new glasses. My work
has me staring at two computer monitors for eight hours a day, five days a
week. I had an eye exam in October 2020, but after constantly staring at computer
screens since February 5, 2021, my close-up vision has significantly declined, as
well as my distance vision. My dad wears these special, funky yellow lensed
glasses while driving at night. He wears contacts and the glasses aren’t that
inconvenient for him. At my October eye exam, the ophthalmologist couldn’t find
a combination of contact lenses that allowed me to see distance with a bi-focal.
I don’t know if I can wear contact lenses again. I adamantly wish I can wear
contact lenses because the night-time glasses would be very helpful and less
complicated if they weren’t prescription lenses. My current glasses have a
cute, rectangular blue frame, but they are very narrow and essentially “hide”
my eyes. I need the wide, circular lenses that Oprah wore when interviewing Harry
and Megan in late summer this year. Plus, I totally dig the gray frames
she wore. Photos will be posted when I get new frames and (fingers crossed) new
contact lenses.
After
the shit-show that 2020 turned out to be, I think many of us were hoping 2021
would be drastically different and help us regain a sense of normalcy.
Unfortunately, for several of my close friends and certainly for myself, that was
not the case. I recently messaged a friend I don’t nearly spend enough time
with online, wishing him and his family a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
His response was something I can totally get behind: “I hope you had amazing
holidays and 2022 brings love, success, happiness and prosperity. Cause, you
know, fuck you 2021.” My response: “Amen my brother.”
Right
now, the local time is 11:30pm. 2022 starts in 31 minutes. Will it return me
and those I care about most, to a sense of normalcy? To where I feel confident
about my work and where my career is headed? Where I feel competent to handle
the crap life will inevitably throw at me? That I can handle Mark’s and my own
health challenges? At this moment I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself to
manage any of that. I’ve been struggling with overwhelming anxiety and deep
depression since the end of November 2021. But tomorrow is not only a new day,
it’s a new year. So I hope for the best, am working toward returning to being
my best (which is 70/30 right now), and even if my 2022 sucks, I wish all of
you the best new year you can have.
