This is Not a Bucket List or any New Year’s Resolutions

 Despite that this post will look like a “bucket list” or potential list of New Year’s resolutions, it’s really not. I’ve recently been thinking about some things I’d like to do/see/experience; some things I’ve already done/seen/ experienced but would like to do so again. Some experiences are novel for me, or my husband Mark, or for both of us. There isn’t a timetable attached to any of these activities, except for those items I have designated with a timeline. This is after all my list of stuff, which gives me the right to break my own rules.

 In 2022 (see, here I go attaching a timeline and breaking my own rule) I want the pain issues in my lumbar and cervical spine resolved. In 2017 I suddenly experienced consistent stabbing pain in my lower back. In 2021 I re-experienced that lower back pain and the same level of pain in my neck (cervical spine.) An MRI from August 2021, indicates mild to moderate canal narrowing at C5-C6 (neck vertebrae number 5 and 6) due to disc bulge; severe narrowing of the left neural foramen (Google it) at C5-C6 level due to disc bulge and uncovertebral/facet joint arthrosis (Google it.)

 My lumbar spine (lower back) MRI from 2017 findings were confirmed and worsened in the MRI I had of this area in August 2021. 1) Moderate to severe spinal cannel narrowing at L3-L4 level due to disc bulge, ligamentum flavum thickening (Google it) and posterior epidural lipomatosis (Google it.) The residual AP diameter of the spinal canal is 6mm (genetically way narrower than the average spinal canal.) The thecal sac is compressed, and the cauda equina nerve roots are crowded. 2) Moderate spinal canal narrowing at L4-L5 level with residual AP diameter of 7mm. 3) Mild to moderate narrowing of both neural foramina at L4-L5 (Google it.)

 Currently I’m in physical therapy to increase “my pelvic motion.” Trust me, I don’t like the way it sounds anymore than you do, especially since I have to do the exercises twice a day that cause increased pain right now, which I’m told “is a good response” from my physical therapist. On 12/30/21 I had six trigger point injections, which so far, aren’t causing any additional pain or lack of motion.

I want to go to Scotland. I briefly spent time there in 1988, which for me is a lifetime ago. I must consider the weather of my vacation destination. I want at least five days off from work for this trip and I’m not sure if I want to spend it in chronic drizzling rain. Other locations under consideration include San Francisco (I’ve never been), Red Woods & Sequoia National Parks (I’ve never been), Zion & Bryce National Parks in southwestern Utah (I’ve never been), Paris, France (I’ve been several times), New York City (I’ve been half a dozen times, but my husband Mark has never been), and Boston (where I lived for several years but Mark has never been.) Part of me wants to see the expression on Mark’s face when we take a cab from La Guardia to the Village or the Upper West Side, where we’d likely stay in NYC. When we drive to Milwaukee, he drives until we reach Germantown, where we pull over and I drive the rest of the way to our urban destination. My mind’s eye can see his jaw drop at the hustle, energy, and hyper-speed motion of “The City”. Although just about every New Yorker would argue the clear differences between NYC and Boston, my hunch is his reaction would be the same. Reminder: He grew up in Park Falls, WI, which had one stop light intersection during his childhood and adolescence. I’ve driven in Manhattan when I was in college in Boston. The gold and black Wisconsin license plate earned me no respect on that trip, which was the same when I drove to the Stop-N-Shop in Quincy, MA for weekly grocery shopping. Of course, any international travel is at the mercy of the Omnicron variant of COVID-19. We have both had the initial two vaccinations and the booster, but until more people understand the necessity and benefit of vaccination, we may be stuck in the continental 48.

 I absolutely must get new glasses.  My work has me staring at two computer monitors for eight hours a day, five days a week. I had an eye exam in October 2020, but after constantly staring at computer screens since February 5, 2021, my close-up vision has significantly declined, as well as my distance vision. My dad wears these special, funky yellow lensed glasses while driving at night. He wears contacts and the glasses aren’t that inconvenient for him. At my October eye exam, the ophthalmologist couldn’t find a combination of contact lenses that allowed me to see distance with a bi-focal. I don’t know if I can wear contact lenses again. I adamantly wish I can wear contact lenses because the night-time glasses would be very helpful and less complicated if they weren’t prescription lenses. My current glasses have a cute, rectangular blue frame, but they are very narrow and essentially “hide” my eyes. I need the wide, circular lenses that Oprah wore when interviewing Harry and Megan in late summer this year. Plus, I totally dig the gray frames she wore. Photos will be posted when I get new frames and (fingers crossed) new contact lenses.

 After the shit-show that 2020 turned out to be, I think many of us were hoping 2021 would be drastically different and help us regain a sense of normalcy. Unfortunately, for several of my close friends and certainly for myself, that was not the case. I recently messaged a friend I don’t nearly spend enough time with online, wishing him and his family a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. His response was something I can totally get behind: “I hope you had amazing holidays and 2022 brings love, success, happiness and prosperity. Cause, you know, fuck you 2021.” My response: “Amen my brother.”

 Right now, the local time is 11:30pm. 2022 starts in 31 minutes. Will it return me and those I care about most, to a sense of normalcy? To where I feel confident about my work and where my career is headed? Where I feel competent to handle the crap life will inevitably throw at me? That I can handle Mark’s and my own health challenges? At this moment I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself to manage any of that. I’ve been struggling with overwhelming anxiety and deep depression since the end of November 2021. But tomorrow is not only a new day, it’s a new year. So I hope for the best, am working toward returning to being my best (which is 70/30 right now), and even if my 2022 sucks, I wish all of you the best new year you can have.

                                                             

 

 

 

 

Always Love Your Father

 I downloaded one of those inspirational posts from Facebook, "Always love your father, understand his effort and sacrifices." 

Father-daughter relationships can be complicated. (As if mother-daughter relationships are not). Around the year 2000 I remember having a brief conversation with my sister about which one of us had the "better" relationship with our dad. She thought I had more in common with him and of course, I thought she had more in common with him. Our examples to justify our opinions were quite thin. It wasn't until Dad retired in 2015-ish, right now I can't remember the exact year, that I really started to slowly, sometimes painfully, sometimes surprisingly, got to know my father better than I had before. I still have many unanswered questions that I recently hinted that I'd like to get answers to, but in typical German, stoic Rog fashion, he passed over the comment in a text to him as if it was never there.

I have my dad's photo album from his time in Vietnam. (See my Facebook page for the photos and notes he wrote on the back of them). On 7/4/21 Mark, Apollo, and I spent the afternoon at my parents' house and my dad mentioned that he drove a truck from Eagle Knit in Shawano to Zwicker Knitting Mill in Appleton and back at some point in his life; I'm not sure if he was in high school or college. His mother, my Grandma Porath, worked at Eagle Knit in Shawano and I wonder if this was one of those situations where the company a parent works for hires their kids for work during summers in high school or college like when I worked for the company Dad worked for starting the summer after my sophomore year in high school. This was a piece of my dad's life timeline I knew nothing about.

I'm unable to piece together my dad's life timeline from when he was in high school to when he and Mom bought the house they still live in on Memorial Day weekend 1973. From there I've seen enough pictures and heard enough stories to know that he worked as a full time account at Appleton Memorial Hospital, now Theda Care Appleton, and at night he worked as a cashier at Treasure Island which was on west College Avenue.  On the nights he wasn't working there he was attending grad school at UW-Oshkosh and earned his MBA. I have strived to academically match Dad. I was the first woman in my maternal and paternal families to graduate from college. I was also the first woman on either side of my family to earn a Master's Degree. Rog was the first in our family to do both.

I know he left for Vietnam three weeks after I was born, having already completed basic training in the Army. My mom and Grandma Porath went to his graduation from basic (I think) before my parents were married (01/23/71), but I don't know that for sure. His discharge from the Army and return to Shawano is a nightmare story I've shared before; how he hitch hiked from the train station in Green Bay to Shawano during the night because he was harassed while wearing his uniform during the day.

Dad went on an Old Glory Honor Flight for veterans during EAA 2014. He listed me as his contact person and they reached out to me to connect with family, friends, and coworkers, to send cards or write letters that would be distributed to the veterans during "mail call" on the return flight. I likely contacted most of you reading this to send a card or note to him. His plane landed at EAA after a day spent in Washington, D.C. touring monuments and memorials. I've included one of my favorite pictures ever, taken after he landed by my former boss who was there honoring a veteran in his family. After all the "thank you for your service", "or "welcome home" and when the band had stopped playing, Dad told me he had the largest package for "mail call" on the flight. I was proud that with your help, I could make that happen.

Some day I hope to record my father's story. I want to sit down with him, my phone recording our conversation starting with, "So you were born on August 29, 1947 in Wausau. What happened from there?"

Some day I hope to put the pieces of my dad's life timeline together to really understand what he did to achieve all that he has.

Some day I hope that my dad understands how important and influential he's been in my life.

Some day I hope he'll be there for me forever.

Some day, I just hope.

Letters to Myself

A few years ago I bought a self-reflection activity book titled Letters to My Future Self.  It's one of those reflective, self-progress things that required I write letters to myself in the future about specific topics I was dealing with at the time I wrote the letter to myself. Examples include "These are my roots...", "Where I want to go from where I am right now", and "This is what I live for: work accomplishments".

I haven't completed all the letters. Blank ones include "All the things I'd like to try someday", "It was an extraordinary day", "This is a letter about my love", "I never want to forget this", "Ten item gratitude list and letter of thanks".

My current dilema: I have several entries with past due open and read dates and I'm not sure if I want to open and read them. Those letters include "I promise to myself" sealed on 01/30/2020, to be opened on 01/30/2021. "There's no place like home" sealed on 10/04/19, to be opened on 10/04/2020. "A pep talk for the future me" sealed on 04/30/2018 to be opened on 05/14/2020. "Me from long ago to the more experienced me" sealed on 06/29/19 to be opened on 06/29/2020.

My memory of why I wrote letters on particular days is gone. I have no idea why I wrote "A pep talk for the future me" on 4/30/2018 and why I chose the date to open it on 5/14/2020, other than 5/14/2020 was my 49th birthday.

Part of me feels like opening and reading the letters should be a communal event, surrounded by friends and select family. You know, my tribe. I can't imagine anything lonelier than opening one of these letters and reading it to myself while sitting alone on my bed. That just seems pathetic. 

So here is a new letter to myself dated 03/13/21 to be read today, 03/13/21:

My dear, you think you see the light at the end of this very black tunnel you've lived in since August 1st 2020, but the truth is you're working on a project that doesn't guarantee you a regular, full time job at the projected end date in 6-9 months. You are saving much of the salary you current receive which is a good thing because you've never made more money than you are now and you must remember this is a temporary gig.

Congrats on knowing about, accessing and using all of the safety net programs that you qualified for: Food Share, a tax credit off-set for health insurance through the Marketplace, energy assistance, COVID relief payments, and several tax credits we qualified for when filing our 2020 taxes. It feels weird to use the same social services benefits I've directed numerous clients to, but at least I knew about them and accessed them when my family needed to. There's NO shame in that.

Thank God I have parents who saved enough money to provide their heirs (me, my sister & my brother) access to inheritance money "while they're still alive" a quote from my dad. He keeps a ledger documenting which one of us has received a dollar amount to make sure the other two receive the same dollar amount whether that's for a new car or lakeside property, or a pontoon boat.

Last week Rog (my dad) told me Mark & I are due some money based on this pre-inheritance system and I told him to keep it in "our account" to be used for a future vacation once COVID vaccinations increase and travel is less of a hassle. 

I hope to see the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco.I hope to see and listen to the Height Ashbury neighborhood that created so much of the music I love.  I hope to walk among the Redwoods and Sequoias and be awestruck by their size. 

I hope....